Nov. 25, 2014

b-N-g encouraged

am i looking at the whole picture or am i just looking at the part that makes me want to finally give up?  it is habit forming when you have been put down or been discouraged for so long that you forget that it was only this piece of the problem but actually it  was a piece of a bigger problem.  now finally, i can let go of all my dependency and grab onto my independency.  and i must say, it feels good. i can now allow another to take on the part of my life that no one else can claim as their own. I may say to myself, "self, it is now time to claim some of these decisions that you have been saying was not yours. it was your fault.  you were wrong!  you were there in that place,  at that time.  this has all baring on the how you are as an adult."

now i can say, "if i am wrong today and in the future, i will try now to take full responsiblity for all my actions."  i don't even deny that i try to make less errors so i can become more righteous.  this is hard work, you see. it is easier to allow small errors to occur so that i do not have to cover up from any lies or even half- truths that should never have been told.

when i became ill, i blamed my ex-husband because he had a drinking habit. he already knew how to fight with his fist. sometimes, communication was explained and questioned by those same fists. i must say his fists worked wonders on me because it allowed all things to begin to shut up and/or shut down.  for instance: holding down a good paying job because he would not shut up when the supervisor had been critiqueing him on his  job performance. so,  he may take upon himself to go and just critique him on his critiqueing! of course, talking and judging is my exhusband's favorite past time, you see...so,  it may just take me about two months for me to even realize that he doesn't even have a job any more. oh well, that's was my past life... so, i decided to move on and away! but when i did, i took my sons away from the only father they had ever known. i had entrusted Jesus onto them as babies but this was not their life they were living in. it was "my life" that was i making them live for. for years, i blamed him for all my men problems. i did not actually have a man then or even now, but i knew i did not want to take part in any of the negativity or errors that i had occurred.  i did not even want to blame myself, even partially. it's not my fault anyway! do you know why?  it is all because i am a woman!